Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
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