Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
