I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
