My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Church boner. Awkwardddd
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
