I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
