She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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