seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
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