at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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