how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
