Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
