my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
