You kept calling me your small dog last night.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Randomize
