I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
