So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I intend to get homeless drunk
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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