i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Need sex. Gaining weight.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
