Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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