I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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