There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
