Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
