ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
