You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
