i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
