I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
I am spending my child support on dildos
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
where are you?
Hypothermia
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
