How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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