so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Shame - the story of my life.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
