Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
