she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
