There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I think we might need a safe word for this...
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
