i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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