Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
