You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
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