he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
