Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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