Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
