I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
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