I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
