Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
