and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
