Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
