and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
