I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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