As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
