I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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