When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
