if i died would you start the facebook group?
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
