I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
