I'm gonna have a badass scar
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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