I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
