my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Randomize
