Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
