Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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