woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
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